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In one of his forty-eight dozen interviews about The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson said there have been more than a hundred films made about the life of Jesus. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that these didn’t crack the top ten.

Voicing over the original dialogue, Klauss Vlaudenhoover (not his real name… okay, it is) took some pretty poor Jesus films and turned them into comedy gold! At least bronze.

For those of you about to be mildly offended, take note that a church used these in a series on the life of Jesus to portray classic stereotypes about him. And for those of you who are dissuaded because they were used in church, take note that my sides hurt.

Steve and I ventured out into another One Hour News adventure. Being incapable of actually investigating anything, we just decided to revert to walking into businesses and seeing how many questions we could ask before being asked to leave. (That was pretty much all that had been done in the past, right?) Surprisingly, Super 8 talked to us. McDonald’s almost talked to us. And we walked right through the mall! As most people know, malls are notorious for tackling anyone weilding a camera before the “record” light can even come on, but we walked around for quite a while before being tackled…

Not everyone realizes it, but every piece of bread is unique. And because they are all unique, each slice has its own personality. And when different personalities meet head to head in a high-power spring-loaded toaster, the individuality of the bread becomes quite clear.

This morning, I found out that I own such a toaster. My toaster is occasionally capable of giving flight to toast. I discovered this when I was making toast this morning and found my toast on the counter a good distance from the toaster when I came back to the kitchen. And it was then that I realized that my toaster was a bread crucible. Not only did it heat the bread to a delicious crunch, it also contained within itself the seeds of a toast revolution. If my toaster could inspire one piece of bread to leap onto the counter, what would two slices of bread head-to-head do?

I decided to run a brief test. The results were astounding.

Here they are.

Round One [MPG video]
The Blocked Shot
The peice on the right attempts to make a jump shot, while the monster slice of white bread on the left swats the attempt, making a mockery of slice-on-the-right’s skillz.

Round Two [MPG video]
The Bully
Domination. That’s all this was. Clearly the slice on the right is a big bad bully. He just knocks around the piece on the left, leaving him laying in a pile of his own crumbs.

Round Three [MPG video]
The Chest Bump
I’m not sure if these two slices of toast were old friends or perhaps teammates. Wait… it has been confirmed they did play in the minor leagues together at the Wonder Bread factory. Anyway, these two greet each other in a celebratory chest bump. It’s good to see such enthusiasm from two slices just about to be buttered and eaten.

By the way, the toast was good, too. But I am full now. No more toast, thanks.