Not everyone realizes it, but every piece of bread is unique. And because they are all unique, each slice has its own personality. And when different personalities meet head to head in a high-power spring-loaded toaster, the individuality of the bread becomes quite clear.

This morning, I found out that I own such a toaster. My toaster is occasionally capable of giving flight to toast. I discovered this when I was making toast this morning and found my toast on the counter a good distance from the toaster when I came back to the kitchen. And it was then that I realized that my toaster was a bread crucible. Not only did it heat the bread to a delicious crunch, it also contained within itself the seeds of a toast revolution. If my toaster could inspire one piece of bread to leap onto the counter, what would two slices of bread head-to-head do?

I decided to run a brief test. The results were astounding.

Here they are.

Round One [MPG video]
The Blocked Shot
The peice on the right attempts to make a jump shot, while the monster slice of white bread on the left swats the attempt, making a mockery of slice-on-the-right’s skillz.

Round Two [MPG video]
The Bully
Domination. That’s all this was. Clearly the slice on the right is a big bad bully. He just knocks around the piece on the left, leaving him laying in a pile of his own crumbs.

Round Three [MPG video]
The Chest Bump
I’m not sure if these two slices of toast were old friends or perhaps teammates. Wait… it has been confirmed they did play in the minor leagues together at the Wonder Bread factory. Anyway, these two greet each other in a celebratory chest bump. It’s good to see such enthusiasm from two slices just about to be buttered and eaten.

By the way, the toast was good, too. But I am full now. No more toast, thanks.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 24th, 2004 at 1:36 pm and is filed under Video. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.