15 EASY and HELPFUL STEPS to Securing Your Computer!
I have a few very helpful tips for anyone wanting to secure their computer against the latest onslaught of viruses, virilli and the like. Don’t worry, kids. I’m not only a computer expert, I’m also not a computer expert. But I am going to do my best to sound like one because I care deeply about the state of your computer’s security. And I also care about you. But, let’s be honest here: I really care more about your computer.
But enough of that. Let the “HELPFUL TIPS” begin!
15 EASY and HELPFUL STEPS to Securing Your Computer!
by Adam Brault, COMPUTER EXPERT
1. Make sure that your Windows Update thing is installed and running! It’s important to install the downloaded updates and then restart your computer. This helps Microsoft feed your little computery guy his daily allowance of good things like patches and bugfixes and this sort of thing.
2. If you don’t have the time to install the downloaded updates, don’t worry! No problem at all… You can simply tell Windows Update to remind you in three minutes, when you are sure to have more time.
3. Visit either McAfee or Symantec on the web. Download one of their trial versions of their antivirus software.
4. Note that McAfee is actually spelled wrong. It should actually be “MackUhFee” Write this down. You will need it later during the installation.
5. Once you have downloaded your choice of antivirus software, open KaZaA or fire up Google and search for “McAfee serial” or “Symantec serial” depending on your earlier choices. This will save you from the future headache of actually having to pay for the software. [Of course, I’m kidding, Mr. Ashcroft! Mathcaddy.com does not condone piracy! Unless it happens to be the kind of piracy that happens on “Talk Like a Pirate Day.” That kind of piracy is A-OKAY!]
6. After installing your virus scanning software, restart your computer.
7. Upon rebooting your system, find the icon on your desktop or in your start menu that says, “Internet Explorer” and double click it.
8. This step is very important, so listen carefully. After Internet Explorer is open, click “Tools… Internet Options.”
9. In the space labeled “Home Page Address,” select whatever is already there and delete it. This address - whatever it may be - is actually the source of 98% of the viruses your computer has received in your lifetime.
10. In place of the previous address, type the following: http://www.mathcaddy.com
11. Then click “OK” in this dialog box. Then close Internet Explorer.
12. Then you take a pumpkin, big and round and fat.
13. Then you cut the top off; that will make a hat.
14. Then you carve a nose, a mouth, and shining eyes.
15. Then put it in the window for a Halloween surprise.
Oh, sorry. I accidentally inserted my helpful tips for carving a pumpkin. I apologize. I’ll fix it later if I find time.
Uhh… badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger… mushroom! mushroom! Oooh! It’s a snake! Ohh–ohh! A snake!!